The curve of reading..

The curve of reading has been dropping consistently. I have been wondering what has happened to me. There were time once I used to read books to understand the concept of surviving -- surviving with less suffering, the books so called "motivational". Then I realized that what is the point in keep reading them without executing what I could have possibly learnt. While executing you encounter practical difficulties, the ones that aren't explained or overlooked or purposefully not mentioned in the books. The books are books, reading them aren't actually living them. 

Later I realized a general fundamental concepts on motivations can help you only to some extend. Each person has to find out his or her own tactics and techniques, which can't be found in any books but can be acquired only through experience and by making mistakes. Thus you can't really have a happily ever after live. It is a matter of going through ups and downs constantly -- holding onto something when you go down and not to get greedy when you see the brighter side.

So practically speaking, you will have to stop reading such books at some point in your life in order to start living. Inspiring or motivational aren't the only genre in the books. Isn't it.

When I grew up, my interests turned into literature. A good writing. I seem to start enjoying good way of story telling rather than the story itself. Because when you grew up, you don't really believe in stories but what keeps you interesting is the way it is told, the things it makes you see, realize, feel and sense. Well, I do have lots of books I bought to read and hardly 10% of them are read so far. The curve of reading has been dropping consistently.I have been wondering what has happened to me!!

Paul Arockiam.
08-Apr-2014.

Introspection gone bad..

It isn't easy. Trust me! Sometimes it's good not to know the truth. It's best to keep lying to yourself and hoping that the truth never catches up with you. Especially when the truths are very heavy that drags you down without allowing to move forward.

I know they say get to know your inner mind. While I was talking to doctor about this, he said that it isn't that you don't know your inner mind. As a matter of fact, you do indeed. It's just that you want to pretend like you don't know it for the truths are indigestible.

Paul Arockiam.
06-Apr-2014.

Introspection begins..

Why have I been lying to myself all these days ? Well, one thing for certain is that it wasn't intentional. When I write these statements, doctor sitting behind me is asking, 'was it?'. But I ignore him for he might be right.

Yet, the question doesn't go away. 'why have I been lying to myself all these days ?'. May be because I'm tired of trying to convince myself that it is natural ? Or is it because it is what I always wanted but I'm being forced to deny ? There are still questions of why things have happened the way they have happened, which I couldn't ignore even though I know that the right questions to be asked are 'had I have been postponing that long to realize the inevitable ?'.

Questions everywhere. The questions that I deny myself providing answers to. The doctor is laughing. It must have been hell lots of fun for him seeing me go through all these. While I know that he do care, he seem not to intervene too much even though he ought have known that I have been making some bad decisions. Real bad ones. I couldn't blame him. He must have been tired of getting ignored. I know how it would feel getting ignored while you are trying to do the right thing.

 Today I tend to make some decisions. For some unknown reasons, may be I should use the word 'unsaid', I'm little hesitant to put them in effect. The transformation my mind go through, or wanting to go through, is making me wonder will I recognize myself in the mirror tomorrow ? Will I ever be ready to face such thing ?

Questions remain with the answers still being denied.

Paul Arockiam.

Something called surviving !

I wake up. The same scent linger in my nose. The scent of flowers I have been feeling for the last couple of days now. I get up, walk past the hall and open the door. The same guy with suit having bundle of flowers in his hands awaits outside my door. He doesn't seem to be pleased to see me, as always. His expressions were as though he was waiting for someone. Perhaps none for I'm the only one lives in that house. I try to ask him, 'what he is up to..? what he want..? what is that he is waiting for..?', for I see him everyday when I open my door in the morning. He stares at me for a while and walks away without uttering a word. I shake my head and head back inside. The sun is shining. A day is ahead of me to live.

This has been happening everyday. The scenery has't changed except his suit being different everyday even though the the flowers he carries are afresh.

I wake up again today. The same scent. I know he is waiting outside. I know it for certain that I didn't even want to look through peak hole in my door. I have a different plan today. The plan I had been working on. I get ready. I walk towards back of my house and get away through the back door, the door that I have been building secretly ever since I started seeing him.

The next day I wake up again. The guy seem to wait outside today too. Or he must have been there since yesterday. Let him wait. A waiting that I'm not going to answer. Perhaps that is what the answer he is looking forward to. I shake my head to drop that thought. I get up and walk midst the scent of the fresh flowers. I get ready keeping the noise level low. Walk out of the house through back door again.

It is the third day the guy outside could be waiting without seeing anyone opening the door. I wake up. Curiosity pushes me towards the door. I look through the peak hole. No sign of him. But I could feel the perfume of flowers. As fresh ever. I open the door. The flowers were laid down in front of my door, with a note. He must have forgot to sign. Or he must have thought it didn't matter. I grab the flowers, put the note in the thrash. I may wish to keep the flowers as a trophy though that wasn't why it was laid down in front of my doors.

I get ready. The sun is shining. Another day is ahead of me to live. I walk through the front door. The back door is still there. Kept secret inside the house. It might come in handy when needed. I know some people call walking through the back door as escaping. When the thought hit my mind, I smile because I would like to call it surviving.

Paul Arockiam.

குழந்தைகள் !!

நான்: அப்ப உன் பேச்சு கா..!

காவ்யா: பழம் பா..

நான்: நீ தான் உன் ரைட்டிங் டேபிளை தர மாட்றல்ல.. போ.. உன் பேச்சு கா..

காவ்யா: ஏன்ப்பா கா விடுற.. பழம் பா..

நான்: அப்ப உன் டேபிளை தர்றியா..? பழம் விடுறேன் ?

காவ்யா: தர மாட்டேன்..

நான்: அப்ப கா..

காவ்யா: ஹே பழம் பா..

நான்: போ..

காவ்யா:பழம் பா..

நான்: டேபிள் தர்றியா..?

காவ்யா: தர மாட்டேன்..

நான்: அப்ப கா தான்..

காவ்யா: ஏன்ப்பா.. பழம் பா..

நான்: சரி போ.. பழம்..

காவ்யா: <சிரிப்பு + புன்னகை>

குழந்தைகளுக்கு எப்படியோ அந்த சூட்சுமம் தெரிந்து இருக்கிறது. நாம் விரும்பியதை தராமலே அவர்கள் விரும்பியதை பெற்று கொள்ளும் அந்த சூட்சுமம்.

பால் ஆரோக்கியம்.

the solution !

"How dare you..?"

"How dare I.. what ?"

"call her dear!", red cheeks, wide eyes and obviously you better start running look.

When I thought, 'what if she reads these chat scripts..?', the above is what came to my mind. So obviously i had to work out a solution. and it worked !!

Paul Arockiam.

Once I had a friend!

Once I had a friend in my close friends list. Later one day, an unfortunate day -- dono for whom, she withdrew her friendship. It was weird that I didn't felt shock but surprise. It is like a twist in the tale that makes the book interesting by making you wonder what is going to happen to that character or the book without that character. But i knew, it was some flickering.

As I thought, we reunited and she made a friend request again. But the event has put me in dilemma that I haven't added her back into close friends list yet, however close we continue to remain. We tend to forget what kind of impact the things things we do on the spur of the moment. While we do have freedom to make our own choices, I always wondered how can we figure out whether the choice we are making is right or wrong. May be there is no right or wrong. May be the choices have already been made and that we are simply here to execute them. I was once told, every second you make a choice. A choice that leads your life one way or the other, but the question is can you escape from the destiny whatever the choices you make either by choice or by chance ?

Paul Arockiam.