Why have I been lying to myself all these days ? Well, one thing for certain is that it wasn't intentional. When I write these statements, doctor sitting behind me is asking, 'was it?'. But I ignore him for he might be right.
Yet, the question doesn't go away. 'why have I been lying to myself all these days ?'. May be because I'm tired of trying to convince myself that it is natural ? Or is it because it is what I always wanted but I'm being forced to deny ? There are still questions of why things have happened the way they have happened, which I couldn't ignore even though I know that the right questions to be asked are 'had I have been postponing that long to realize the inevitable ?'.
Questions everywhere. The questions that I deny myself providing answers to. The doctor is laughing. It must have been hell lots of fun for him seeing me go through all these. While I know that he do care, he seem not to intervene too much even though he ought have known that I have been making some bad decisions. Real bad ones. I couldn't blame him. He must have been tired of getting ignored. I know how it would feel getting ignored while you are trying to do the right thing.
Today I tend to make some decisions. For some unknown reasons, may be I should use the word 'unsaid', I'm little hesitant to put them in effect. The transformation my mind go through, or wanting to go through, is making me wonder will I recognize myself in the mirror tomorrow ? Will I ever be ready to face such thing ?
Questions remain with the answers still being denied.
Paul Arockiam.
Yet, the question doesn't go away. 'why have I been lying to myself all these days ?'. May be because I'm tired of trying to convince myself that it is natural ? Or is it because it is what I always wanted but I'm being forced to deny ? There are still questions of why things have happened the way they have happened, which I couldn't ignore even though I know that the right questions to be asked are 'had I have been postponing that long to realize the inevitable ?'.
Questions everywhere. The questions that I deny myself providing answers to. The doctor is laughing. It must have been hell lots of fun for him seeing me go through all these. While I know that he do care, he seem not to intervene too much even though he ought have known that I have been making some bad decisions. Real bad ones. I couldn't blame him. He must have been tired of getting ignored. I know how it would feel getting ignored while you are trying to do the right thing.
Today I tend to make some decisions. For some unknown reasons, may be I should use the word 'unsaid', I'm little hesitant to put them in effect. The transformation my mind go through, or wanting to go through, is making me wonder will I recognize myself in the mirror tomorrow ? Will I ever be ready to face such thing ?
Questions remain with the answers still being denied.
Paul Arockiam.
No comments:
Post a Comment